How To Train Your Puppy

It's been awhile since I had a puppy. I had forgotten how puppy-ish puppies are. But it's all coming back to me now, so I thought I'd share some helpful tips.

A puppy is a great addition to your life at any time. It works best, though, if you get a puppy when you have 3 kids under the age of 5. That way, you'll have something to do and someone else to take care of when you have all that extra time on your hands.

You don't really need to go spend an afternoon standing in the dog food aisle, searching for the perfect puppy chow and treats. Puppies are amazingly self-sufficient when it comes to meal times, and they prefer filling up on things like rocks, sticks, pieces of plastic, chicken feathers, sandbox toys, dirt, poop, dead leaves, flower blossoms, green beans out of the garden, the plants the green beans were growing on, and any other unidentifiable objects within reach.

Your puppy will need exercise, so I recommend the following: Get a leash, and put the puppy at one end and a 2-yr-old at the other. Both will nap very nicely afterwards.

Speaking of naps, be sure to get your puppy one of those sweet, soft little puffy doggy beds. She'll get at least 3 meals from all the stuffing she rips out of there.

You'll need a good set of knee pads and some wrist braces. Not for the dog, but for you to wear anytime you walk anywhere with the dog. Because apparently, the best place for a puppy to walk is WHERE YOU ARE STEPPING RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT.

I used to think puppies barked and howled because they missed their mommy and their litter-mates. But puppies bark when they see you, when they don't see you, at things that move, at things that don't move, at rocks, at flies, at cats, because it's dark, because they're stuck in a clump of grass, at little girls who are riding tricycles, at birds, because they have toys, because they don't have toys, and in general because they're happy to be dogs and be livin' in America (as Phil Robertson says).

Ah, but at the end of the day, nobody will love you like that little puppy.

Just Like Me

I've always found it fascinating that, when you have kids, there are actually people running around in the world that are half you. Isn't that bizarre? I mean, half of these little humans' DNA is mine. They are like me. Their daddy apparently has pretty dominant DNA, because for the longest time, what I saw when I looked at them were mostly his features. But it seems like more and more as they get a little older, I see glimpses of things: Brooklyn's forehead, Vivian's nose, the way their mouths curve when they smile . . . and these things look familiar because they're things I've seen when I look in the mirror. It's a special, amazing thing . . . . they're like me.

But there are also more and more moments lately, when I'm watching them play with their friends or listening to them talk and I have this little flash of panic. OH. MY. WORD. These kids are going to BE LIKE ME. In my mind I suddenly see all of the mistakes I've made, all of my flaws, all of the awkward stages, all of the times I've made bad decisions, all of the things that have hurt me . . . And I kind of wish that they wouldn't be like me at all.

But the fact is, they probably will be a lot like me, and their dad. Not just because of our genetics, but because they're going to be watching us every day for the rest of our lives. Wow. Nothing like that little thought for a wake-up call. Am I the sort of person I would want them to be? The kind of wife, mother, friend, nurse, teacher, or neighbor that I'd be proud to see them be someday?

Most days I feel like the answer to that is no. I'm tired, and busy, and stressed, and I had a bunch of flaws to start with. But I'm trying to make up my mind every day to be a better role model . . .to be a little bit better version of me than I was yesterday. And, you know, they ARE going to make mistakes . . . probably some of the same ones I have, plus some brand new ones of their own. They're going to make bad decisions, and have awkward stages, and get hurt. But all I can hope is that when those things come, we've given them a good enough foundation that they'll know how to handle it. And hopefully they'll take these lessons from life and do the best they can and try to learn and grow. Just like me.